Physician Mental Health: Long Distance Relationships
I’ve seen a fair number of physicians in long distance relationships. Usually, this occurs during residency, fellowship or a few years into being an attending. In many cases, the partner is tied to a specific location due to work or in some cases, due to being in a different residency or fellowship program. I want you to know, just because you are in different areas doesn’t mean the relationship has to end. It means the relationship is going to take extra work. The bottom line is that long distance relationships are still relationships and take tons of energy to maintain and cultivate.
Physician Long Distance Relationships are Still Relationships
Relationships are an agreement between the people in it. It doesn’t matter what other people say or do. What matters is the people in the relationship are in agreement on what is kosher. I’m talking about things understood between all parties involved. If it’s not completely understood by everyone or explicitly known, then it’s not known at all. It needs to be talked about and agreed upon with everyone. When people are in a long distance relationship, it’s even more important to have clear rules and boundaries.
There are a few adjustments that need to be made in the relationship because of the distance. One of the adjustments will be timing and schedules. As a physician, your schedule can be all over the place and change every couple weeks based on your rotation. You can also throw into the mix time zones if you and your partner are in different zones. The East coast- West coast 3 hour difference makes a difference. 6:00am east coast is 3:00am west coast. With the timing and scheduling differences, keep your partner informed about what your schedule is and how it’s going to be changing. Maybe the call to your partner while you’re driving home from the hospital changes to a call right before you go to bed. Maybe that doesn’t work and it needs to be a call first thing in the morning to touch base. Have clear communication about your schedules.
Find Ways to Connect with Your Partner
Another adjustment is how to connect with your partner. With the distance, you aren’t able to see each other on a moment's notice. You have to plan time together, especially since you already have a packed schedule with the hospital. Sure, you can see each other in person when you have time off but that is far and few between. What do you do in the meantime? Find ways to connect with your partner. It can be phone calls, video chats or text messages throughout the day. You can send handwritten notes to your partner. You could read books together oer watch movies together. You could send care packages to each other. There are ways to connect with your partner while in a long distance relationship.
Another wrench that gets thrown into the long distance relationship is if your partner is not a physician. You could read my previous blog about physicians in relationships to get a better understanding of the differences between physicians in relationships with other physicians or in a relationship with a non-physician.
In a Physician Long Distance Relationship, Build Your Life Together
Another component to watch out for is that when you are in a long distance relationship, make sure you are building your life with them. You must include them, otherwise, your relationship could take a turn for the worse. For any big moments in your life, have them video chat or call in. Find ways to continue to grow together, though you are physically apart. Continue to make that person a priority in your life. It can be easy to drift apart. Out of sight and out of mind. Each person will grow in their own way. Be sure to grow together.
Something to always remember is if you’re in a long distance relationship, it’s only a matter of time before you will be close to one another. It might be 4 years if you’re in school, 3 years if you’re in residency and 2 or 3 years if you’re in fellowship. Time will fly by while you are in your training. If you’re tired of the distance between each other, it might be time to have difficult conversations and make difficult decisions.
Physician Long Distance Relationships Can Work
You can make it work through school, residency and fellowship. It’s a matter of how much you and your partner want the relationship to work. Your relationship will be stressed but that’s how relationships are. The added distance is another layer that goes on top of the relationship. Long distance relationships take a commitment. How committed to the relationship are you?
Get Started Today
When you are ready to make a commitment to change and want online therapy in California, online therapy in Michigan, or online therapy in Nevada, reach out here for a complimentary 15-minute consultation. My name is Chris Rabanera. I want you to live your best life. Issues I work with include physician burnout, anxiety, depression, individuals dealing with relationships, and grief.
