Mental Health For Men: Strength

Apr 25

“I need to be strong for others. I can’t show my emotions. I can’t cry. If I start, I won’t be able to stop. I need to be strong.”

If you’ve grown up in the US of A, you’ve heard this. You’ve seen this. I’m sure you’ve experienced this yourself. Being strong means not showing your emotions. Is this true? Is this what being emotionally strong means?

What is Emotional Strength

Almost every client I’ve worked with has been raised with this idea. They need to keep their emotions in check because I need to show others how to be. If I show my emotions, other people will start to show their emotions. We can’t have people showing their emotions. They need to be a beacon of strength for others. They can’t show their emotions because they are the ones in charge. This has been a staple in American culture. Men don’t show emotions.

But men do show emotions. Their dog died and it’s okay to cry then. I understand your dog is important to you. Dogs can be part of your family. Are you saying that your dog is more important than your father, mother, brother, sister, or friends? Why is it okay to cry for your dog but not another human being? What about athletes who either won or lost the championship? You’ve seen them crying because they gave it their all and either won or fell short? Why is it okay to cry then?

Why isn’t it okay for men to cry at funerals? At funerals, I’ve seen people tell each other not to cry because it shows weakness. Guys. Someone died! Someone close to you died. This is someone that you love. This is someone that you will never see again. This is your time to say goodbye. You are burying them. And you’re not allowed to show emotions?

I’m not disputing what you’ve heard. I’m not disputing what you’ve experienced. I’ve experienced this too. I heard this the other day from a family member. What I will challenge is the idea of how strength is defined. I do not buy into the idea that strength means not showing emotions.

Mental Health for Men

Emotional strength means the level at which a person can experience and express their emotions. It means being able to accept and experience your emotions. It means being able to express your emotions in a prosocial manner. You can have a low level of emotional strength and a high level of emotional strength. Think of emotional strength as a skill that you can build and improve over time. Having emotional strength includes being vulnerable with your emotions. Also, there are no good or bad emotions. I wrote about that here.

I’ve also seen a recent push for men to not show emotions, be emotionless, and not show passion. This is different from being present with and experiencing your emotions. Showing your emotions are completely different than experiencing them. All the emotions that you experience are okay. The way that you express your emotions is not always okay. There is a time and place to show and express emotions. I’m not saying you need to be wearing your heart on your sleeve all day every day. I am saying that expressing your emotions in public is okay.

Hand reaching out by Marc-Olivier Jodoin, Upsplash 4/24/23- Mental Health for Men

The last topic I want to talk about is the idea of experiencing, expressing, and processing your emotions alone. As a man, you’re taught that you should go through life alone. If you need help with anything, especially emotions, it makes you less of a man. I call bullshit. You never go through life alone. You get help at every step along the way. You may not know it and you may not see it but you are receiving help in one way or another. You were raised in a village. You don’t need to experience, express or process your emotions alone. Reach out to friends and family.