Physician Mental Health: Ending Romantic Relationships
An important aspect of physician mental health can be a romantic relationship. Just like any other relationship, it takes work. Relationships can change over time for the better, as well as for the worse. Ending a romantic relationship can be difficult. In the blog, I’ll give food for thought.
Communicate in Your Relationship
A healthy romantic relationship is an agreement between the people involved in the relationship. There needs to be an explicit agreement between the people involved. What happens is people do not discuss their needs with their pattern in the relationship. People assume their partner knows or understands their needs but this is far from the truth. People fail to communicate with their partner. When there is not a clear understanding between the parties, this is when problems may occur. If the agreement broke, conversation and communication needs to happen to address the issue, change the agreement, or end the relationship.
It’s not healthy to stay in a relationship when the relationship does not meet the needs of the people involved. If the relationship only meets one person’s needs, there may be a problem. Each person needs to have their needs met. This is where you need to communicate. Once people stop communicating or working towards making their relationship work, the relationship may be over.
Set Boundaries for the Relationship
In a previous blog, I wrote about boundaries. I wrote about what they are, how to set them, and why they are important. Read the boundaries blog here. Be sure to set your boundaries with the relationship. What are you willing to accept and what are you not willing to accept? Set your boundaries and stick to them.
A common issue I see is when to end a relationship. A client I worked with was in a long term relationship with their partner. They were together 3 years. His partner moved with him as he finished residency, became an attending and moved to a different area. He was the breadwinner and had a pet together, He recognized that he started to lose feelings for her. He did some deep exploration and recognized that he no longer wanted to be in the relationship with her. He felt guilty because she sacrificed so much for him. He was scared to break up with her because of how much it would hurt her and didn’t want to leave her like that. He was wondering what he should do.
I talk with clients about control. We explore control over our emotions versus controlling the emotions of others. People are only responsible for their own emotions and actions. We do not have control over what other people do, think, or say. Zero. A struggle I see is people do not want others to be in pain or suffer because of our actions. The best we can do is be mindful of how our actions will affect others. In this case, if a relationship isn’t working, we need to be authentic with ourselves and with our partners while being mindful of how we express ourselves to them. We do not have control over others.
Timing to End a Relationship
Another issue we explore is timing. People want to break up after the holidays or after this happens, and so on. There is no perfect time to end a romantic relationship. If you are respectful of the person you are in the relationship with, the perfect time to have a conversation about the relationship is now. Don’t wait for another time. Talk to your partner about the relationship. Talk about the issues you are having. Talk about your needs. Have a conversation. You could find out you can work the relationship out for the better. If the relationship isn’t meeting your needs, end the relationship. Stop dragging out the relationship and wasting everyone’s time and energy. Don’t be the person dragging it out.
Also, if you have children together and are ‘staying together for the children,’ don’t. This is bull. Parents who do not want to be together, do not have a healthy relationship any longer. Do not be in an unhealthy relationship ‘for the children.’ You are modeling an unhealthy relationship for your children. Parents often talk negatively about the other parent. This creates an unhealthy relationship between parent and child. Stop doing it.
Not All Relationships Last
It’s okay if a romantic relationship doesn’t work out. Not all relationships are meant to last forever. This is fine. One perspective is that you were walking on a path together with a person for a period of your life. You were spending time together, learning together, and growing together. Now, your paths are going in separate directions. This doesn’t take away from what you learned and experienced during your time together. It means that things didn’t work out and it was not a healthy relationship.
Work on Your Physician Mental Health
If you are a physician and you are struggling with your relationship, think about these issues. Your life will improve when you are able to end an unhealthy relationship.
If you are a physician and want therapy, reach out for a free 15-minute consultation. I’m Chris Rabanera. I provide online therapy in California, online therapy in Michigan, and online therapy in Las Vegas. I work with issues such as physician burnout, anxiety, depression, individuals dealing with relationships, and grief counseling.
