Mental Health for Men: Fatherly Love
Growing up in the 90's with immigrant parents, love was shown in a unique way by my father. Growing up, I had a very specific idea of what showing love was supposed to look like. Parents are supposed to say they love you and give you hugs and kisses. They are supposed to be soft and cuddly. Yeah, that’s not the way that it worked in my household. As I’ve learned over the years from all education, training, books, and podcasts, love is shown in many different ways.
I came across an instagram post by Sanam Naran IG:@The.Conscious.Psychologist about how Brown Dad’s Don’t say “I Love you” and do something else instead. As a Filipino, some of these resonated with me. The first one that resonated with me is a dad that buys you things or gives you money. My family growing up was definitely not rich. My dad was able to buy things and give me money on occasion though. 100% Another thing my father did was make sure that I got hooked up with some of my favorite snacks galore. The last time I visited my parents, my dad knew that I liked those Lotus Biscoff cookies. He stocked up on them and gave me a couple of boxes for my trip back home. He knows I have a Costco down the street where I can buy the cookies but he bought them anyway and gave them to me. He shows his love by providing in these ways.
Mental Health for Men: How Fathers’ Love
Gary Chapman wrote a book called “The Five Long Languages.” In the book discuss how people show their love. The 5 love languages are acts of service, quality time, gift giving/ receiving, physical touch and words of affirmation. The book also discusses how people can show love and receive love in different ways. For me, the way that I express my love is through acts of service. The way that I receive love is through physical touch and quality time. Different people speak different love languages. In many cases, father’s speak different languages than their children.
In my clinical experience, many fathers show their love with acts of service. They will provide financially, do the dishes, clean up the house, and make sure that you are fed. For many fathers, words of affirmation or saying “I love you” or “I care for you” can be extremely difficult. It’s not something many men heard or were taught to say. For many immigrant families, there were no words of affirmation. I know with several of my clients, they can tell you the exact number of times their father or parents said that they were proud of them. And you know what, that is okay.
As an adult, we should be able to take a step back and recognize the manner in which our parents loved us. Did they show their love as acts of service? Were they handling things behind the scene to try to set you up for success? Maybe your parents showed their love with quality time. It could have looked like a random trip to the park or special time together. Maybe your parents showed their love by saying I love you. Maybe it was physical touch when they wanted to rough house or wrestle with you. Maybe it was buying you things that you needed or giving you small gifts. If the way they showed their love didn’t align with the way that you accept love, this doesn’t mean that they didn’t love you. It just means that you were speaking different languages and we weren’t able to recognize it at that moment.
Father’s may not show their love in a way that you recognize it. That doesn’t mean that they don’t love you. It may mean that each person isn’t aware of how they prefer to be loved. And that is okay.
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Address your mental health with therapy with Chris Rabanera. Take the first steps with a free 15-minute consultation. I offer online therapy in California, Michigan, Nebraska, and Las Vegas. As an experienced therapist, I specialize in physician burnout, grief counseling, anxiety, and depression. I also provide tailored mental health treatment for men.
