Mental Health for Men: Checking Out
John Gottman, a psychologist and relationship researcher, coined the term stonewalling. Stonewalling is a behavior where a person withdraws from a conversation or interaction, shuts down emotionally, and refuses to engage or respond to their partner’s attempts at communication. Oftentimes, an individual who is stonewalling becomes unresponsive, silent, and emotionally distant. For many men, stonewalling is life.
Think of your relationships. Think about your relationship with your partner, your father and mother, brother, or sister, and especially your children. If you are stonewalling, your relationship is heading into the crapper. You might not see the results instantly, but know the relationship is on rocky territory. Gottman refers to stonewalling as one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse in relationships. If Gottman was able to see your relationship interactions and see stonewalling, he has high certainty that the relationship is going poorly.
It’s Easy to Check Out
If you are like any other man out there, you may find yourself putting your emotions into the box. I want to say there is nothing wrong with putting your emotions into a box as long as you address those emotions. When people put their emotions into a box, they may truly check out and go into stonewall territory. Here’s what it may look like. There is an event that causes emotional activation. You don’t want to experience those emotions. You put those emotions into a box to escape the emotions. To help ‘relieve’ or cope with the emotional activation, the person turns to distraction. Remember the point of coping skills? Coping skills are for your survival. Read that blog, it’s solid. After a person turns to distraction, they never come back to address the issue. They check out and stay checked out.
If you are like any other man out there, you may find yourself putting your emotions into the box. I want to say there is nothing wrong with putting your emotions into a box as long as you address those emotions. When people put their emotions into a box, they may truly check out and go into stonewall territory. Here’s what it may look like. There is an event that causes emotional activation. You don’t want to experience those emotions. You put those emotions into a box to escape the emotions. To help ‘relieve’ or cope with the emotional activation, the person turns to distraction. Remember the point of coping skills? Coping skills are for your survival. Read that blog, it’s solid. After a person turns to distraction, they never come back to address the issue. They check out and stay checked out.
A List of Ways to Check Out
Social Media: You scroll endlessly on the Instagram, TikTok, the Facebooks, LinkedIn, or the Reddits. You aren’t looking for anything specific. You are just scrolling and watching, scrolling and watching. Social media can eat up hours of your time.
Streaming: How many streaming services do you have? Here’s my list- Netflix, Disney+, HBO Go, Amazon Prime, ESPN, TNT, PBS Kids and the list goes on. Having access to an endless buffet of movies, TV shows, and documentaries makes it easy to get lost. Did you binge-watch Squid Games, That Tiger Woods Docuseries, Ted Lasso, Westworld, or The Last Dance?
Video Games: This includes mobile games, handhelds, computer games, and entertainment systems. I love a good video game. I’m currently playing Pokemon Go. Games can become a time sink because it’s so easy to get engaged in a good video game. Playing games can be a great distraction.
News and information overload: This is similar to social media but you are searching for specific information in this case. When that happens, you can go down that rabbit hole. You know exactly what I’m talking about when one search leads to another search, which leads to another search, and then you look up and you’ve lost two hours. News and information overload can be another distraction.
Health and Fitness: Are you surprised to see this here? Throwing yourself into health and fitness activities can be a distraction. I know several men who have thrown themselves into health and fitness routines after getting their heart broken.
Snacking: People can use eating as a coping skill to help relieve their emotional activation. It’s not the issue of the snacking itself. It is the constant snacking and distraction that’s the issue.
These are ways people can check out. In many cases, there is nothing wrong with checking out for a moment to be able to bring yourself back to baseline. I am 100% for coping skills to bring you back to baseline. I want you to use your tools. That is what the tools are there for. If you check out, make sure you check back in. Don’t check out and stay checked out. That’s when the bad stuff in life starts to happen. That’s when relationships start to end. Choose to check back in when you are ready. Being ready to check back in is a skill. I can help teach you that.
Improve your Mental Health
Stop hoping things will get better passively. Put in the work today with therapy with Chris Rabanera. Take the first steps with a free 15-minute consultation. I offer online therapy in California, Michigan, Nebraska, and Las Vegas. As an experienced therapist, I specialize in physician burnout, grief counseling, anxiety, and depression. I also provide tailored mental health treatment for men.
