Mental Health for Men: Parenting Plans
One of the issues that many of my clients want to address is parenting. Many parents are frustrated with their interactions with their children and do not know what to do. They are at their wit’s ends and want to make a change. This is 100% in my wheelhouse and an issue I love to help parents deal with.
Having a parenting plan is essential to feeling confident and comfortable raising your children. A parenting plan is an idea where caretakers of the children are all on the same page of how to parent the child. It’s an understanding of how to care and teach the child. For a parenting plan, a living document is best, followed by a written plan, and then a single conversation.
A Plan is Better Than no Plan.
Without a plan, people are reactive to the situation or are on different pages from one another. A plan can provide direction and focus on how you are going to raise your child. You have a general idea and roadmap for your actions. It allows you to organize your thoughts and ideas so you do not need to spend additional time figuring out how to deal with a behavioral issue. It can help you anticipate and prepare for future bumps in the road. It helps you make informed decisions because you’ve thought about parenting issues before they happen.
4 Parenting Styles
Part of the parenting plan is coming up with how you want to parent. There are 4 general styles of parenting.
The authoritative style is characterized by high levels of responsiveness and demandingness. Authoritative parents are supportive, nurturing, and responsive to their child’s needs, while also setting clear rules and boundaries. They provide guidance and discipline while allowing their child to express their opinions and independence. These parents communicate effectively and encourage autonomy and self-disciple.
Authoritarian parents have high levels of demandingness and low levels of responsiveness. Authoritarian parents tend to be strict, controlling and prioritize obedience and discipline. Rules are rigid and there is no room for flexibility. These parents rely on punishments and rewards to enforce compliance.
Permissive parents have high levels of responsiveness and low levels of demandingness. Permissive parents are too lenient and avoid setting clear boundaries or imposing consistent rules. They may prioritize their child’s happiness and avoid conflict. These parents are nurturing and accepting but have difficulty providing structure and discipline.
Uninvolved parents have low responsiveness and demandingness. This style of parenting provides minimal guidance, support, or attention to the child. Uninvolved parents can be emotionally distant or neglectful, oftentimes preoccupied with their own needs. These parents may have difficulty meeting their child’s basic needs and may not be actively involved in their lives.
Of the 4 parenting styles, I actively help parents become authoritative parents. I want parents to be warm and responsive to their child’s physical and emotional needs. I also want parents to have rules and boundaries while recognizing their needs to be room for flexibility when necessary.
Be an Emotional Coach
An idea I often talk with parents about when building a parenting plan is the idea of being an emotional coach. Dr. John Gottman discusses the idea of being an emotional coach in “Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child.” There are 5 steps to becoming an emotional coach for your child.
Awareness of both your emotions and your child’s.
Viewing interactions between you and your child as an opportunity to teach new skills and build a relationship.
Listening with empathy to understand the situation and validate your child’s emotions.
Helping your child label their emotions with words.
Setting limits while exploring solutions together.
This is an example of a way to help teach your child how to explore and manage their emotions. This applies to parenting in many situations.
Same Page
Lastly, having a parenting plan where all of the child’s caretakers are on board is necessary. When you do not have a parenting plan across the board, issues may arise. Imagine if one parent says no, the child goes to the other parent and that parent says yes. Who is the child supposed to listen to? Children need firm yet flexible boundaries and consistency. A child’s job is to learn where their boundaries are. Knowing these boundaries help children feel safe and understand the world around them. When the boundaries are continually shifting and changing, a child does not get the consistency they need to feel safe and secure. If every caretaker has different rules and boundaries, how is a child supposed to feel safe and secure when everything continues to change?
For parents that do not have a parenting plan, I suggest sitting down with the people who take care of your child and talking about how you want to raise your child. Have that conversation. It will help set you up for a better relationship with your child as well as help shape your child into an emotionally secure adult. Having a plan is better than not having a plan.
Get Mental Health Treatment for Men
Address your mental health with therapy with Chris Rabanera. Take the first steps with a free 15-minute consultation. I offer online therapy in California, Michigan, Nebraska, and Las Vegas. As an experienced therapist, I specialize in physician burnout, grief counseling, anxiety, and depression. I also provide tailored mental health treatment for men.
