Mental Health for Men: Examine The Breakup
Relationships can come to an end. Whether you like it or not, this happens. You could be the one who is doing the breaking up or you could have been dumped. It’s a part of life as people search for partners. You find out what works and doesn’t work. What do you do when it becomes a part of your life? Read this blog first and come back here. This blog is an add-on.
Grieve the Relationship
One of the most important aspects of examining a breakup is to grieve. Grieve what was. Grieve what you dreamed of. Grieve the relationship. Many people don’t go into relationships thinking the relationship will end. Many have high hopes the relationship will last into eternity. If you went into a romantic relationship thinking the relationship was going to end, you were doomed for failure even before you started. Coming to terms with the relationship not working the way you planned is a process. This process can be very painful.
Here’s a quick overview of the grief process. Kubler Ross has a model which uses the acronym DABDA. DABDA stands for denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. These are 5 stages of grief which don’t necessarily go in order. One can go from denial to bargaining, to anger, and back to denial. Also, grief can come and go. I like to talk with clients about how grief is like waves in the ocean. You have high tides and low tides. Waves also come in sets so waves can come one after the other and then there may be a lull. I have significant experience with processing grief. Reach out for more info.
Deep Processing of the Relationship
While you grieve the relationship, you can also be doing a deep dive into the relationship and its dynamics. What did the relationship dynamics look like at the beginning versus at the end? How did the dynamics change? How were your needs met or unmet in the relationship? Were you able to express and be your authentic self in the relationship? Did you hold back? How were you able to communicate your needs and emotions with your partner? Were you supportive and how did you support your partner? I can go on and on with questions to explore to help process the relationship. The most important idea when processing the relationship is to be present.
Stay out of The Box
I write about The Box here. When I talk about being present, what I mean is to be present with all of your emotions. When you are doing a deep process of the relationship, be mindful of the physical sensations you feel and the emotions you are experiencing. With many men, they are uncomfortable with the physical and emotional sensations they experience. They want to push their emotions into a box and just ‘move on.’ That’s not the way this works. If you put your emotions into a box, there’s only so much room until it is full. If you continue to put more emotions into the box, it will overflow and your emotions will come out in one form or another. There is nothing wrong with putting your emotions into a box, as long as you unpack the box and process the emotions soon. There is a time and place to process those emotions. The issue is when you don’t process them, which is what many men tend to do.
Processing Emotions is a Skill
Processing emotions is a learned skill. It takes time and energy to do. A great first step would be to read about the RAIN technique. The RAIN technique is to recognize, acknowledge, inquire, and nurture emotions. I’d recommend getting started on recognizing emotions. What does a specific emotion, say anger, look like for you? For me, my head gets hot and my hands get cold. I start to get sweaty. Again, this looks different for each person. So what does it look like for you? Also, where does your mind go when you get angry? Do you want to instantly get revenge? Do you want to run away? How do you define specific emotions and what does it look like for you? As I said, this is something you can learn. Processing emotions is not a skill everyone was taught when they were a child. Now’s a good time to learn this skill.
Get Mental Health Treatment for Men
Address your mental health with therapy with Chris Rabanera. Take the first steps with a free 15-minute consultation. I offer online therapy in California, Michigan, Nebraska, and Las Vegas. As an experienced therapist, I specialize in physician burnout, grief counseling, anxiety, and depression. I also provide tailored mental health treatment for men.
