What’s the deal with tantrums?

I was working with a parent on the topic of tantrums. The circumstance was the child had a doctor’s appointment that threw off the usual routine. Mealtimes, as well as naps, were off schedule.

At dinner time, mom went to put the baby in the highchair. The baby was upset, screamed, and shout. The baby wouldn’t let mom strap her to the seat. The baby wouldn’t let mom put on the bib. When mom asked if the baby was hungry, the baby responded yes but wasn’t following the rules mom had for mealtime, such as being strapped into the high chair and wearing a bib.

The baby began to have a tantrum. The baby screamed louder. Mom asked the baby if she wanted to eat. The baby shook her head no. Water? No. Diaper change? No. Get out of the high chair? No. Anytime mom reached for the baby, the baby would push her away. Everything mom did, the baby cried in response. The baby threw her head back, was shaking, angry, mad, and was in full-blown tantrum mode. The baby cried for another 20 minutes. Once calm, mom started to talk to the baby again. The baby went back into tantrum mode for another 10 minutes. Mom asked what she could have done differently.

The situation was that a child was having a tantrum. The parent tried everything to calm down the child. Nothing worked. What should a parent do when their child has a tantrum?

Parents can think about tantrums as a form of communication. A tantrum is a way for a child, or a baby with limited communication skills, to communicate that their needs are not met. A parent should think about what needs are not being met and respond accordingly.

In this specific situation, the mom went through the necessities for a baby. After those needs were satisfied, mom thought deeper. Mom thought that the tantrum was due to the change in schedule and saw the baby was frustrated and angry. Mom addressed the issue of emotions.

Here is a big decision moment. How a parent addresses emotions determines how their child will address own emotions. This is a moment where parents can take action aligned with their parenting goals and values.

In our scenario, the mom's parenting goal and values were to teach her child that all emotions are natural and acceptable. The way that the baby expresses herself may or may not be all right. We discussed talking with the baby about her feelings. While the baby was having a tantrum, mom could name out loud the emotions that the baby was feeling. The mom could be present with the baby while the baby experiences her feelings. Mom could continue to set the mealtime limits and boundaries.

What should a parent do when their child is having a tantrum? A parent needs to look at their parenting plan and follow through. A child that is having a tantrum is communicating that their needs. Parents should help their children get their needs met. In some cases, this may mean letting the child continue to have a tantrum so they can work through their emotions. In other cases, this may mean giving a child a hug or setting limits and boundaries. As a parent, it is your job to figure out what your child is communicating and respond with your parenting goals and values.