A Talk with Couples Therapist Laura Garcia
With high achievers, there are a lot of sacrifices involved to achieve what they achieve. In some cases, it’s the relationship with their partner. It’s easy to take time and energy away from their relationships and put it towards their goal. If this happens occasionally, it’s fine. It happens. But what happens when they start to neglect their relationship? They achieve their goal but at the cost of their relationship. There are too many withdrawals from the relationship and not enough emotional deposits. This spells trouble.
With this being a common issue with many high achievers, I thought I’d talk to Laura Garcia, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. Laura provides couples therapy. She helps couples focus on moving from resentment, disconnection, and miscommunication to understanding, connection, appreciation, and healthy communication. Many of Laura’s clientele have busy lives that require so much of them, usually, there isn’t much time and energy left for their relationship. Below is our conversation.
Couples Therapy and High Achievers
Can you tell me about your backstory? How did you decide to become a couples therapist in Modesto, CA?
I knew I wanted to become a psychotherapist in high school. I noticed the importance of communication, appreciation, and connection in daily life and relationships. As time passed, the impact of feeling unheard, unseen, and unvalued in a relationship became clearer. There is a great need for a safe and dedicated space to explore, discuss, and understand the impact of the immense pain of not communicating effectively. Not being able to communicate needs and wants opens the door to feeling unappreciated, disconnected, and unseen. Relationships change and so do we. I wanted to help.
My readers are business owners, lawyers, doctors, CEOs, and other high achievers. What are some common factors that contribute to dissatisfaction in a relationship?
I have three common factors that contribute to dissatisfaction in a relationship.
Not creating time for the relationship.
It becomes easy to slip into a routine – don’t get me wrong, routines can be great – I enjoy routines myself. However, many couples can easily fall into the trap of negotiating out the time for the relationship. This means other things such as focusing on another goal, project, things around the house, children, families, friends, and individual interests take priority. While all these things are important, so is scheduling time for the relationship.
TIP: Schedule time in your calendar for a date—date night, date lunch, date something.
You may think to yourself, “This doesn’t sound romantic, spontaneous, or sexy.” That is okay. It's practical. We are trying to create a new habit and change. The more you prioritize the relationship, the more you can reinforce this habit and then allow it to grow (dare I say, date day or weekend). A suggestion is at least once a month. A tip for parents is to schedule a fun day for your kiddos once a month and one for you as a couple. This helps when parents are working through feelings of guilt about going out as a couple.
2. Assuming Things About Each Other.
It is important to remember that you are different people. People change as they go through different experiences, transitions, and chapters. Assuming gets in the way of continuing to get to know the person who is your significant other. It can get people stuck in the past and how someone used to be.
TIP: Check in with each other.
Share about yourself so this other person can continue to get to know you, rather than having this person guess or assume. Questions you may ask: “I would like to know more about how I can support you during (insert whatever example is relevant)” and “Is there something you wish I could understand better about you?” Great prompts are also “ I was wondering, Could you share with me about….”. Find a fun couples’ question game. For example, Gottman Card Decks is great for questions ranging from sharing feelings to questions about intimacy and sex.
3) Ineffective Communication
There is a lot we can discuss regarding communication, and we work on it continuously as individuals or couples. Specifically, let’s talk about ineffective communication regarding each partner’s needs and wants. Discussing needs and wants can be difficult because each person must spend time identifying their needs and wants for themselves, in a relationship, and from their significant other. As well as communicating why these needs and wants are important and their impact. Feeling connected, valued, and appreciated can be communicated in various ways. Although there are different ways, the most important ways to communicate wants and needs are through methods that your significant other will understand and receive. A common example: The partner shares, “We spend time together, but we are each scrolling on our phones. Sometimes it feels like we don’t spend time together.” The problem could be that we haven’t identified how each person defines spending quality time together.
TIP: First, we want to be aware of our needs and wants. Secondly, understanding why needs and wants are important, what their purpose is, and how they impact both you and your partner.
Utilize these prompts:
For me, it is important that I feel _____ in my relationship.
My values for a relationship are _____.
My needs in a relationship are _____.
My wants in a relationship are _____.
Now ask yourself, how many of these wants and needs are my responsibility? What else is important to share with my significant other? Share the above with your significant other. You might open the conversation with: “You know, I have been thinking about how important it is that we both feel supported and seen by each other. I would appreciate it if we could take a moment to share some of the things we need and count on each other and our relationship.”
These are some of the common relationship stressors that couples encounter. It is important to remember that if you continue to wait for the perfect time to work on your relationship, that time may not come. The best tip is to start working on your relationship today.
Talking about starting to work on your relationship today, how would someone know it's the right time for couples therapy?
Do you want to know your partner better and feel more connected, appreciated, and in sync with healthy communication? If your answer is yes – couples therapy may greatly support your relationship. So whether conflict and discord are occurring in your relationship or you want to strengthen your relationship, couples therapy may be right for you.
A benefit of couples therapy is that it creates a designated space and time to work on your relationship. A common excuse that couples use to avoid talking about wants and needs is “we are too busy.” Busy with life happening, families, friends, schedules, careers, pets, and so much more. Guess what? A relationship needs time—there is no way around this fact.
Many people come up with excuses about why they are not getting support for their relationship. What are some common roadblocks for couples when they need support for their relationship?
There are 3 common roadblocks that I see when it comes to getting support for people’s relationships.
The belief that the other person is the problem. While there may be exceptions to this, such as in abusive relationships, for the most part, it is not about one person but the couple as a whole. The intention and purpose of couples therapy is to get to know yourself and your partner at a deeper level, to begin to notice the patterns and interactions between you, and to learn to develop and cultivate effective communication, understanding, and connection. It is about how you work together.
Not committing the time and energy couples therapy will require. This may seem pretty straightforward, but Couples Therapy is a commitment to yourself, your significant other, and your relationship. It means holding the appointment time and creating time to respectfully practice the skills learned in therapy. There is work to be done in and out of the session. It’s a key ingredient to change.
Wanting couples therapy to quickly “fix” the issue. Realizing that it has taken time to get to whatever spot you (the couple) are in and accepting that it may take time to move the relationship in a different direction. As you go through couples therapy, you will experience positive changes but don’t expect to address all the conflicts or issues in a couple of sessions.
How can our readers best reach or follow you?
If readers are interested in learning more about me, they can check out my website or read my about page. I also have a couples therapy page. If they’d like to work together, they schedule a free consultation.
When you’re ready to get started, reach out for a free 15-minute consultation. I’m Chris Rabanera. I provide online therapy in California, online therapy in Michigan, and online therapy in Las Vegas. I work with issues such as physician burnout, anxiety, depression, grief counseling, and therapy for men.
